suicide

The Upper Austrian borders Mühlviertel yes to the Bundesrepublick
Germany, specifically to the Bavarian Forest. There, quietly go on the
German side of two border patrol officers. Suddenly, remains one of the
two, and says:
"Yes, my, look there since a suicide!"

And really, on a tree near the Austrian border depends on a strong
branch is dead.

"That something must happen to us! The number of writing, the
transportation of the corpse, and a final hour before service!"

"Do nothing at all, who is the same ham ma, ma to hang over the
Austrians!" Is the reassuring colleague.

Half an hour later, patrol in the same place, but just on the other
hand, the Austrian border guards. When they see the crossed-over to them
hanged, one encounters the disbelief from:
"The net can indeed be true, now is the back again!"

Ackermann

Every year ...

Three friends sitting at card games.

One of them breaks the silence and prayerful says:
"Oh yes, I know Brigitte Bardot."

"Yeah, Ackermann," say his colleagues, "we know them well."

The three agree to go to Paris to visit Brigitte Bardot.

Ackermann detects it, pay pay as the other two the trip. If Bardot
Ackermann does not recognize the journey takes place at his own expense.

Once in Paris, Ackermann aims deliberately at the Metro, gets out, runs
up the stairs in a house and knocks on a door.

It opens Brigitte Bardot:
"Ackermann, mon amour, how are you?"

The friends have to resort to the checkout.

Several weeks passed and a new meeting to play cards Ackermann says:
"Oh yes, I know the Bill Clinton".

"But of Ackermann, which we believe you!"

Again, the three close friends from the same bet and this time go to
Washington.

When the three white people before the House, Bill Clinton looks
straight out of the window:
"Ackermann, old fellow, come in, let's have a drink!"

Amazement the two friends alone is Ackermann's not, they must pay back
the travel expenses.

It will take several weeks and the friends meet again to play cards.

Ackermann said:
"Oh yes, I know the Pope."

"Yes, logically, we also know - that you know the Bardot and Clinton, we
can hardly believe, but the pope - no, we do not buy from you!"

Again, the same bet has been completed, the three travel to Rome where
the Pope is reading a fair. Ackermann must recognize the Pope, the two
friends to pay for travel expenses.

The show has already started, when the present three in the last row.

The Pope is just the sermon, as he look up and shouts:

"Ackermann, you here? Come here!"

The crowd opened, Ackermann goes towards the altar. Pope and Ackerman
hug, eat together some hosts, Pallav drinking sacramental wine and still
waving goodbye to the people and, because the Holy Father, the people do
not want to wait.

Ackermann goes back to his friends - which lie in a swoon.

When the two come back to consciousness, Ackermann asked what had happened.

The two answers:
"You know that Brigitte Bardot and Bill Clinton was a small miracle that
you even know the Pope -. Naja - you can see, it is possible!

But most has shocked us, as you have just waved down from the altar with
the Pope.

As passed by two Japanese, photographed, and one asked the other:

"Do you know who the old man with the funny hat is there in addition to
the Ackermann ...?""

Pope and Woman

Schroeder, Clinton and Honni go to heaven and are now in front of God for their vehicles to pick up the sky.

Schroeder comes to God first and asked:

"Well, how many women you had in your life?"

Schroeder considered only briefly and says:
"8 Women". "OK," says God, "You get an Audi."

Schroeder is happy and goes off happily with his Audi.

Now Clinton's turn again, and God:

"Well, how many women you had in your life?"

Then Clinton:
"16 women". "For this you get a Corvette," says God, and Clinton goes off with squealing tires.

As the last of the series is Honni and he is asked by God:

"Well, how many women you had in your life?"

Honni thinks for a while and says:
"25 women". "Well I do not want to be," says God, "you get from me for a Trabant."

Well, says nothing better than to Honni and crawls away.

After a while Honni, Clinton and Schroeder meet at the car wash.

At once begins to Honni animal laugh.

. 'What's that? "Ask the other two" I've just seen the Pope - on a bicycle "

weighed

Renate has brought sausage from the butcher. The mother weighs, it's not
true.

She immediately goes to the butcher:
"You can not do with me, since missing 50 grams, I weighed it!"

The friendly butcher asks:
"Have you weighed your daughter too?"

Two men in heaven.

Two men meet in heaven.

"Why are you dead?"

"I am frozen. And you?"

"Oh, I died of a heart attack!"

"How did that happen?"

"A buddy called me in the office and said your wife cheating on you!

I run home to the car rase, the bedroom, look under the bed in the
closet, nothing! Down in the kitchen in the basement - nothing. then I
was sick and I had a heart attack! "

"You idiot," said the other, "you should have in the kitchen, looked in
the freezer, we could both still live ...!"

The goat Problem

The goat Problem

A farmer stands in a well and wants to know how deep it goes down there.

He throws down a small stone, but not hear it splash.

He picks up a large stone, throws him into the well - again, no splash
noise.

So he asks a passerby:
"Can you help me to throw this big rock into the well? I want to know
how deep it is."

With his last strength to the two boulders balancing on the edge of the
well and push him down.

Seconds later a goat whizzes past in monkeys pace, running against the
well and jumps down.

A little later comes by a shepherd:
"Have you seen my goat?"

"Yeah, right here it passed and jumped into the well," replies the farmer.

"Impossible," wards off the shepherd.
"I had the extra animal tied to a big rock ..."

Trabi!

Trabi!

If a Mercedes driver in a car park and meets a Trabi drivers.

Asks the Trabi drivers:
"Would you like some coffee?"

Benz says the driver:
"What do you have installed a coffee machine in their Trabi?"

"Of course, all standard!"

This can not believe the Benz driver and they agree to meet again in two
weeks. After 2 weeks of the Benz driver asks:
"You want some coffee from me?"

"Oh no," says the driver Trabi, "I now prefer to drinke cappuccino!"

"That's not," says the Benz driver, "I have a car for more than 50,000 €
and yet less extras like the Trabant!"

They arrange an appointment again in two weeks. After two weeks now, the
Benz driver goes to the Trabi and knocks on the window. All steamed up.

He asks:
"If you now want a cappuccino from me?"

"Wait," says the driver Trabi, "I take a shower right now!"

bachelor

A bachelor is asked whether he was not even wanted to marry her slowly.

"Och," says, "What for? I have two sisters who care about me. I will
supply them with everything I need."

"Well," keeps you meet the bachelor, "but also two sisters can never
replace a loving wife."

"Why not? They are not my sisters ..."

the hammer

the hammer

Olympic Summer Games, discipline hammer throw.

When does the first Americans, 120kg heavy and 1.95 m tall, hammer in
hand, turns on its axis a few times and throws the hammer far beyond
125m - a new world record!

The reporters rush to the Americans and ask him:
"You American, new world record - how?"

The Americans replied with a smile:
"My grandfather was an iron worker, my father was an iron worker, I'm an
iron worker, very strong"

Next, the Russian who is 125kg and 2.05m tall, your turn. He takes the
hammer in his hand turns and throws the hammer at 132 meters - again a
new world record.

The reporters come to him and ask:
"You Ruski new Weldrekortski -? Wi"

Responds with an iron face of Russian:
"Grandfather was a timber worker, father was a wood worker, wood worker,
I am - a lot of force"

Finally comes a Carinthian, 55kg and 1.60 tall, takes the hammer,
throwing him, without turning only once, at 151m - the third world
record that day.

The reporters go to the Carinthian and ask him:
"If one looks at you so you can ask is, how did you manage that?"

The Carinthian answers:
"My grandfather was unemployed, my father was unemployed, I'm unemployed
and my father once told me: Boy, when you press any one time a tool in
the hand, then throw it as far away as I possibly can!"

Thick and thin

Thick and thin

A fat man meets a thinning and says:
"If one sees you, you might think, a famine broke out."

"And when you look at," says the thin, "one might think that you were to
blame."

Golf operation

Golf operation

Recently in the sports clinic:

"Who will operate now?" asks the chief physician assistants.

"The man over there, he has swallowed a golf ball."

"And what does the other guy with him?"

"Next game !..."

Righteous Kill

Righteous Kill

"Let me repeat that again," the prosecutor said, "You came home early
from work and found your wife with a strange man in bed?"

"That's right," said the defendant

"Out," continued the prosecutor continued, "They took a gun and shot
your wife?"

"Right," said the defendant

"Then I ask myself but why not have your wife and shot her lover?" Asked
the prosecutor.

"Well," said the defendant, "it felt easier than every day to shoot
another man."

Close to nature!

Close to nature!

The Indians want to know of their medicine man, the weather of the
coming winter.

In order not to lose his job, he lies to them that there will be a hard,
icy winter.

In a panic, run off the Indians and collect wood.

The next day, the medicine man gets a guilty conscience.

He drives into town to the weather service and ask for safe stop halfway.

The answer comes immediately:
"It is a hard, icy winter - the Indians are already collecting wood ..."

Fear!

Fear!

Says the big bear:
"If I roar in the forest, afraid of the whole forest."

The strong lion:
"If I roar in the desert, afraid of the whole desert."

Then the little chicken:
"If I cough, be afraid of the whole world!"

subscribed

subscribed

  A woman was walking down the street and she noticed an old man who smiled sitting in a rocking chair in front of a home.

She walked up to him:
"Hello, excuse me for disturbing, but they look so happy. What is your recipe for a long happy life?"

"Well, I smoke three packs of cigarettes a day, drink a whiskey harass a week, eat fatty and never do sports."

"It's remarkable how old are they now?"

"Oh, only 26"

Here!

Here!

"Here, Fabian," the father says to his son, "you have twenty shillings.

Sure you bring me a piece of apple strudel from the pastry over.

Here's another twenty shillings, but you may also buy you a piece! "

After a few minutes Fabian is back and says:
"Here are your twenty shillings back. It was unfortunately only one
piece of apple strudel there!"

first Day of School

first Day of School

A blonde is beaming after her first day home:
"Mama, Mama, today we had arithmetic and I can already count to 20, all
others only to 5 Why is that?"

"Well, my child, I know not," says the mother.

"Is it because I'm blonde?" She goes on to ask. "Yes, my child, it will
be good!"

The next day she returns home, beaming:
"Mama, Mama, today we have learned the alphabet. I can not even spell to
S, the other to J. Why is that?"

"Well, my child I know not," replies the mother.

"Is it perhaps because I am a blonde?"

"Yes, my child, it will be."

After the third day of school she comes back home:
"Mom, Mom had us today for the first time sports. Moving On I've seen
the other girls have no breasts. And I've been carrying BH 4 years.
Is this because I am a blonde? "

"No, my child. The reason is that you are 18 or older and the others are
only 6th .."

at the Casino

at the Casino

A blonde comes into the casino, buys chips for 10,000 € and moves to the
roulette table. Once there, she asks the dealer:
"May I take off my clothes, I always win when I can play naked."

"Hmmm, yes, they may cough."

She tuts and puts all the chips on the table.

The ball is rolling.

The ball lands on one number.

The Blonde:
"Hurraaaaaa, I won, I won!"

Takes all the chips off the table and disappears.

Once the dealers are back to their senses, asks one of them:
"Hey, what number they had on set at all?"

"Hmmm, I thought you .."

"No, I thought you ..!?"

at the zoo

at the zoo

A young couple goes to the zoo.

In front of the gorilla enclosure notice the two that the male gorilla
particularly interested in the section of the young lady. Which is the
very amusing and begins to wiggle his hips lasciviously. The gorilla is
getting nervous. Then she unbuttoned her blouse. The gorilla is raging.
Finally, she lifts her skirt. The gorilla is no longer slow down, bend
the bars apart and runs toward the woman.

"What am I supposed to do," she screams desperately.

"Do it as always," suggests the man, "tell him you have migraine or your
days ..."

billiards

billiards

An avid pool player asked his pastor if billiards is played in heaven.
The priest promises to inquire.

The next day the minister meets the man again and says he a good and bad
news for him would have.

The good news is:
"Billiards is played in heaven."

The bad:
"You are reported to the tournament next week ..."